FRIDAY NIGHT BASEBALL

Friday night was spent leaving the city of Waco to watch my beloved Kansas City Royals take on the Texas Rangers. The video above, shot in horrific out-of-focus fashion with the new digital camera, features Diane losing, again.

Poor, poor, Diane. Throughout the baseball game, we had a game within a game. Almost everyone was winning every now and then; however, Diane lost. Repeatedly. To the point where I had to do my best Steven Spielberg impression every time her man was up.

The above video was a jackpot for the group. On the second pitch, a long drive to right field by some random Texas Ranger. A home run would have made Diane the big winner of our made-up contest. Instead, it was just a long, dramatic out. And Diane had lost, again.

Now, I fully admit, random viewers will probably just say to themselves "what the heck?!" and move on. But, to those who attended, it was extremely funny; and, therefore, absolutely had to be posted. Funny to the point we were openly mocking her. And, as viewers can tell by the comments made throughout the at bat, openly enjoying her 1988 Baltimore Orioles type-losing streak. To Diane's credit, she kept a smile throughout; however, I am pretty sure she was seething underneath it all.

As for the game itself, the Royals won; however, it probably was not the most entertaining and enjoyable aspect of the evening. That would have to go to spotting individuals such as the guy wearing the shirt with the naked woman on his back (much props to Jenny for spotting the word 'Fish" next to the naked woman, making it much more hysterical) only to be topped by his girlfriend who had some sort of animal living at the top of her hair.

I took a picture, which I will post shortly; but, this thing honestly looked like some exotic gerbil had climbed up on top of her dome and then became one with the hair, extending his bushy tail all the way down her backside. Let's just say this hair was not going to be featured on any Revlon commercials any time soon (does Revlon do hair care?).

Also, the kid who tried to eat his Texas Rangers teddy bear; and, when that failed, proceeded to beat his entire family with it was quite entertaining. Throughout the entire game, this kid and his siblings wanted to leave. They were rewarded for their complaints by moving two rows closer to the action in the eighth inning and being forced to stay the entire game. That was also mildly amusing.

The only qualm with the baseball game was the game atmosphere itself. I am not really sure if it was the Rangers losing streak, the fact the team was losing to the lowly Royals or the marketing wizards of the Rangers; but, Ameriquest Field was dead.

It was a three-hour infomercial. Nothing but advertising readers. I am pretty sure; but, not positive the people playing the music were formerly in charge of the game show "Name That Tune." Each song was a couple of notes and then a quick cut off. No fade. Just loud to quiet in an instant. Poor Snoop Dogg could not get a word in edge wise.

It was all topped off with the slowest country song ever played during "The Birthday Parade." I'm pretty sure two kids fell asleep out of boredom. Some of the people with older birthdays may have died out of boredom; but, I am not real sure.

Anyway, A+ to all those fans who forget to look in the mirror before they head to a baseball game, F to the Texas Rangers marketing staff.

All in all, a good evening. Thanks to Russ for the free tickets, much appreciated.

On a completely different note, as you can all tell, I now have a You Tube account. This is bad news for everyone involved. Including myself.

IT'S SUNDAY

And I am bored. I think I will go see a picture show. A picture show about pirates. Arrrggghhh, pirates!

KARAOKE KING

Yep. That's me. Sporting sunglasses. Singing a song.

What would cause me to do this sort of ridiculous thing? A karaoke contest of course.

The night, which was never supposed to happen in the first place since it was a Wednesday, started out with a few drinks at 'Party on the Patio.' As a side note, the theme 'Party on the Patio' used by a local radio station to promote a happy hour is an extremely loose one. This was no party. I am not even sure it was a get-together.

Of course, if the definition of party is two dudes wearing Sturgis jackets, two moderately amusing, yet somewhat annoying disc jockeys, four of their friends and three schmucks (me and two friends) who were duped into going while hanging out in ridiculously hot weather; well then, it was a freaking party.

Did I mention the Sturgis guys had two goats in the back of their pick-up truck? This is no lie and I wish I could be making this stuff up.

Anyway, since talking about two goats in the back of a pick-up truck is an entirely different post altogether, back to the nature of this one, my karaoke dominance.

After ditching "Lameness on the Patio," a friend and I headed to George's for some food and maybe a couple of Big O's. While at George's, a girl we know happened to be having a birthday party. Seeing as she was a friend and I had no idea it was her birthday, I had to think quick. The answer came in the form of making a birthday card out of a napkin.

The birthday card was a huge success. Written in red ink, with drawings of balloons that ended up looking like sperm and some lame joke about her beer consumption, the card even had a gift contained inside: two free tickets, given to us at ‘Lameness,’ to a concert at Billy Bob’s in Dallas.

Excited about her gift, we were invited to sit with the group and have some birthday cake. The cake was delicious and always tastes better when washed down with a nice glass of Bud Light.

At any rate, while crashing this girl’s birthday party, I received a text message which would lead me to establish myself as Waco’s karaoke king. The text message simply said “Karaoke at Treffs tonight.”

I needed to hear no more. I was sold. Myself, a few beers, a stage and a microphone is a winning combination. I do not have many talents in life; but, acting like an ass while belting out some song on stage for the amusement of others is one of them.

Now, I had no idea there was going to be a contest. I just signed up to sing a little Hootie and the Blowfish and go my way until the next song I would destroy. Well, after belting out a little Hold My Hand, the dude in charge told me I should participate in the contest that was taking place at midnight. I, of course, agreed.

A quick note on the contest, contestants were able to pick their own songs; however, we could only choose from a group of about 20 songs on the board. All of the groups started with the letter ‘A’ and all were hard rock groups. One of which was Anthrax. I would have been dead if I was stuck singing an Anthrax song.

Contestants were to be judged on three pieces of criteria, one of which was singing talent while the other two had to do with the contestant’s willingness to make a complete ass out of himself.

With 15-20 of us entered, as the first few contestants go on stage I begin thinking to myself, ‘I am going to win this sucker.’ I thought this because, although most of the contestants sang well, none of them were even coming close to matching the stage stupidity I was willing to do.

Finally, my moment had arrived. There was a little anxiety as I walked onto the stage because the contestant before me had picked the song I was going to sing. As I glanced around the board trying to find a song I was even remotely familiar with, I settled on Aerosmith’s Sweet Emotion.

The choice was a good one as it had a long introduction before the actual singing to commence. I took this moment to have my back to the crowd as I slid on my sunglasses since I had them in my cargo pocket from starting the night so early.

Once the song started, the other contestants knew it. They were toast. The moment I turned around sporting sunglasses, singing a song, there was no doubt I was going to win. As the movie Gladiator had told me to do, I had ‘won the crowd.’

I have no idea how I sang, if I got the words right or if I even finished. All I know is I was strutting some incredibly awkward dance moves, living the life and trying my best not to spike myself.

Afterwards, a standing ovation. Or, at least my friends were standing. But, there was no doubt I was advancing to the finals. People were giving me high fives and random girls were coming up to me telling me how impressed they were. I felt like Neil Diamond.

Now, I have no idea what happened in the finals. I think I was forced to sing Boys of Summer; but, I am not really sure. All I know is I was the last one to sing and the three finalists split the 180 dollars in Treff’s gift certificates.

I take this as a win because I am pretty confident the only reason the DJ declared it a tie was because the other two contestants were his friends and he knew if he left it up to a crowd vote I would have dominated. I like to think that anyway.

Regardless, 60 dollars in Treff’s gift certificates was a nice way to end the evening. The winnings will allow me to defend my title at the going rate of “free.”

So, friends, next Wednesday stop on by Treff’s and have a couple of drinks on me.

I’ll be there. Sporting sunglasses. Singing a song.

A NOTE TO THE CLEVER KENTUCKY FAN

Since you were born Mr. General Studies major, Kansas is 4-2 against your beloved Wildcats. This includes a win at Rupp Arena, the game in which you decided to make such a clever sign, with a depleted squad as well as the worst loss in Kentucky basketball history, 150-95 in Allen Fieldhouse.

In other words, take the record and shove it up your ass.

TODAY'S WEIRD WACO SIGHTING

While leaving lunch at Baris, it was noticed the truck sitting next to the car had an interesting display on its dashboard.

The display was a painted, human skull which looked to be quite real. It had neat black stripes painted on it and everything.

Needless to say, nobody was shocked when a neo-nazi bumper sticker was on display on the back bumper of the truck.

Seiously, what's wrong with people?

NOTES FROM A WEEKEND IN KANSAS CITY

Since I had the rare opportunity for a quick trip back home to the Kansas City area on Saturday, I had to skip out on a full weekend in Waco and make a bee-line for the City of Fountains. Here are some quick thoughts about the weekend trip (with pictures to follow):

• The Kansas City Royals do indeed suck.

• At the Royals game I attended Sunday, the last surviving munchkin from the Wizard of Oz won a dance-off in the bottom of the fifth inning and received a free backpack for his silky-smooth ways. The little guy was indeed very quick on his feet and easily beat some middle-aged man who looked as if he was going into some sort of epileptic seizure. The lesson, as always, do not fuck with munchkins.
  

• My friend Andrew is in a dysfunctional relationship. Much more dysfunctional than anyone reading this could ever imagine.
  

• There is a McDonald's workout circuit in a grassy knoll outside the Golden Arches at the Emporia, Kansas, rest stop exit along the Kansas Turnpike. The 400-pound man who had just wolfed down three quarter pounders did not choose to use the circuit to his advantage. Instead, he bought an ice cream cone.

• McDonald's is not a tasty place to eat. Why I always asked for it as a kid is beyond me. I just must have been one stupid kid.
  

• I am no good at black jack. Bad to the point where some guy who was missing nearly all of his teeth and had multiple tatoos yelled at me for costing him five dollars for hitting when I should have stayed. I felt no need to make a witty comeback. His life looked bleak enough without having me point out some obvious flaws in his choice of lifestyle.

• The random cover band at the Ameristar casino which played Michael McDonald covers to an audience of one (me) at midnight Sunday really needs to start playing different covers. I know this because they are the 1:00 a.m. cover band on Sunday night at the Ameristar casino.

• I still believe the city of Lawrence, Kan., to be a much nicer place than the city of Waco, Texas.

• Road constuction is not enjoyable.

• Neither is arriving back home at 5:00 a.m. on Tueday morning.

• Despite the fact the Royals are currently about as talented as an un-trained circus monkey, I believe in Dayton Moore (Royals general manager).

• Everyone will be jealous of my Hot Dog Derby t-shit which says Relish KC that I now have in my possession. Sorry, it is not for sale.

MY MAN HARVEY

Harvey Thomas... Rimrocker... (insert immature giggle here).

TIME FOR A CHANGE?

So, a friend of mine growing up who has only one arm, refers to himself as “the dude” and definitely has some questionable habits/e-mail practices (which may or may not have led to his firing from one of his previous jobs) just got engaged.

I am pretty sure; but, not entirely positive, that it is a sign I need to re-evaluate my life.

THANK YOU CLOUD GODS...

For bringing a little shade to the Waco area this afternoon. Instead of dripping from sweat after a 10-foot walk to my car during the lunch hour, I was pleased to be able to do so without sweating through my shirt and avoid the ever-present, 50-percent chance of spontaneous combustion.

Here's hoping your stay in the Waco area is a long one.

Oh, and a little rain would not hurt. My lawn has nearly gone the way of Vanilla Ice's career.

YOU MEAN WORLD WAR III IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN THIS WEEK?! DAMN YOU, FOX NEWS!

Much props to Fox News in its coverage of the Israel - Lebanon confrontations over the past week. For some reason, I decided to watch some of Fox News' coverage of the event this week and discovered the angle the network was taking on this whole ordeal had a "could this be the start of World War III?" feel to it. Numerous analysts even seemed to agree with the whole notion; or, at least agreed with the idea the possibility had a chance (albeit a small one) to arise.

Excited about the possibility of cool, state-of-the-art, World War III graphics on Fox News, Geraldo reporting live at the next possible nuclear target and Bill O'Reilly yelling absurdities like "it was GOING to happen, we NEEDED it to happen and I am GLAD it happened ," I decided to do some further research into this Israel-Lebanon thing.

Unfortunately, I was saddened to find out the possibility of World War III escalating from this conflict was rather remote. I was able to come to this conclusion based on the following fact:

Iran recently came out and said a "cease-fire" had a high probability of occuring at some point during the conflict.

I will let that sink in for a moment... Iran. The country that brought the world the Ayatollah, civil unrest and a general disdain for much of the planet. Yes, Iran, a nation of reason... Oh, not to mention the G8 countries recently came out and all said the same thing.

So, job well done Fox News, for stirring the pot. We the people do not need facts discussed, it just gets in the way of pure entertainment. Unfortunately, for some poor, uneducated sap in West Virginia who watched Fox News this weekend, he probably took the notion as "real" and is now buried deep in some bunker wondering when the world is going to end.

I hate Fox News...

(FYI, for further information about how I hate Fox News and most other 24-hour, American news stations, I refer everyone to some obscure stack at the Marshall University library. This is where I have a 200-page, master's thesis on the topic which uses much more professional language than "you suck, Fox News.")

THE OFFICIAL DONNA COUNT - UPDATE

For those who do not know, I have this secretary who has turned missing days of work into an art form. Her powers to avoid a day of work here and there is downright awe-inspiring. It's something that should be encouraged and celebrated. So, here it is, the official Donna count. Check back often for updates.

Days of work missed since June 21, 2006: 4

Latest "reason" for missing work: Apparently, to coincide with the fact four of our co-workers are out today, a migraine has set in and she is unable to do any work whatsoever. Those headaches can be a real bitch.

TERRELL OWENS... DUMBASS

The latest headline on ESPN.com reads "Terrell Owens says he is misquoted in autobiography."

Uh, excuse me?! It's your bleeping autobiography?! Jackass.

Somebody needs to vomit on Terrell Owens immediately.

MY REAL TAKE ON THAT STUPID HORSE

I have gotten some harsh reaction to my posting of a bottle of glue due to hearing Barbaro's chances of survival are "poor." So, I feel the need to clear things up and get some things off of my chest.

Do I want Barbaro to die? Of course not. Do I want to hear anymore about the horse? Absolutely not. I guess that is my point. It's a freaking horse, people. This silly horse is taking up valuable time on the airwaves and he is the lead headline on ESPN.com every stinking day. When was the last time anyone has ever heard of "breaking news" in regards to an animal? Every news station on the planet is breaking in with minute-by-minute coverage of this horse's condition.

Can we not all agree there are more important things going on in the world? Does the horse's survival mean society as a whole will be a whole lot better? This horse will never race again; so, therefore, why is it even a story?

The whole thing has gotten out of control. His survival benefits two things. The horse, since he gets to live; and, the people who own him, since they get to make millions off him once they turn him into the Colin Farrell of the horsing industry.

So, in closing, just go away Barbaro. I hope you live. I just hope I do not have to read about it anymore. When you stud some horse named ICouldHaveBeenGlue in the Kentucky Derby three years from now, then maybe I will think back to the time you were near death. I will think back and I will be thankful you survived in order that I can place a two dollar wager to win $20 on his 10-1 odds to follow in the footsteps of his father. I will also parlay him with another horse, possibly even one of your own, in hopes of a better payout for my meager investment.

Until then; however, as Stephen Colbert would say... You're dead to me. Best of luck Barbaro. Get well and just leave me alone. Thank you.

R.I.P. BARBARO

PRESENTING SOME NERDS WITH FREE TIME

A friend sent this to me; and personally, words cannot describe my reaction. Brilliant, pathetic and everything in between comes in mind. At the very least, it's a much better way to present material than the way my college stats prefessor did. He sucked. (I still got an A though... I'm smart like that).

THE OFFICIAL DONNA COUNT - UPDATE

As I returned from Colorado on Friday (more on the trip later), I was excited to learn there was an update to "The Donna Count." Here it is...

For those who do not know, I have this secretary who has turned missing days of work into an art form. Her powers to avoid a day of work here and there is downright awe-inspiring. It's something that should be encouraged and celebrated. So, here it is, the official Donna count. Check back often for updates.

Days of work missed since June 21, 2006: 3

Latest "reason" for missing work: No official reason; but, I am assuming it is because she felt like working for two straight weeks in a row without a day off might have been "excessive."