I HATE THE DENVER BRONCOS

Since it is a Monday night and I have absolutely nothing to do, I figured I would do something productive and be a little creative. Of course, I have to incorporate watching television into this little project. So, in order to accomplish both tasks, a live blog is in order.

Generally, I have a rule about live blogs. They should only take place when terrible quarterbacks are involved. Tonight, we have two, Jake Plummer and Steve McNair. A double whammy! Let’s hope things go well.

We pick things up late in the first quarter as I had to finish watching an intriguing episode of Law and Order. A word has yet to be written; but, chances are, as one reads through this lengthy log, a person will realize I have great disdain for the Denver Broncos.

FIRST QUARTER
4:39 – Ravens have 3-0 lead. Me happy. ESPN comes back and points out that Jake Plummer (quarterback of the Denver Broncos) has never had a career record above .500. Imagine my surprise.

3:50 – Tony Kornheiser has Plummer on his fantasy team. I immediately consider him a fool. He also falls down a couple of pegs in my book.

2:30 – We cut to a shot of Broncos fan. He looks like a moron. Again, I am not surprised. The Broncos also follow a false start with a timeout. How come they never do this kind of stupid shit when they play the Chiefs?

2:22 – Plummer throws a perfect strike on a 20-yard fade route. Unfortunately, for Plummer, the guy was wearing the other jersey. An absolutely atrocious throw. In other words, something one would completely expect from Jake Plummer.

2:16 – We have our first Denver Broncos IN-COM-PLETE chant. Easily the worst chant in sports. Words cannot describe how much I hate it. I wish all Denver Broncos fans would spontaneously combust.

END OF FIRST – Mike Anderson, who I now like because he is no longer with the Broncos, gets lit up as the Broncos fans go wild. Unfortunately for the fans, he gained 10 yards before he was touched. Stupid fucking Broncos fans.

SECOND QUARTER
14:00 – Joe Theismann mentions the Ravens are an injury away from the Kyle Boller Era. Ravens fans everywhere weep.

12:50 – After a penalty that pissed me off, Baltimore is forced to punt. Luckily, they pen Denver deep at the Broncos two yard-line. I’m thinking lots of things here; but, that Plummer is going to lead them on a 98-yard touchdown drive is not one of them.

10:00 – Unfortunately, Denver is driving. Of course, it has nothing to do with Plummer, they have been doing it on the ground. We also have our first sideline report of the night. Predictably, it was worthless.

9:55 – Thanks to a couple of lame ducks by Plummer, the drive ends. Man, I hope the Jay Cutler Experiment never begins. Unfortunately, I think Plummer’s days are numbered.

9:00 – Why is there a guy from Desperate Housewives in the booth? If anybody can explain this, I would be happy to hear from you. Man, I fucking hate ESPN.

7:45 – Sorry, I have not paid attention to the last couple of minutes because I was reading BaylorFans.com. I swear to God, Baylor has the most moronic and utterly clueless fan base I have ever come across. For a school with such a good academic reputation, it amazes me Baylor fans have a collective IQ of 39. What a bunch of flipping morons.

6:30 – Seriously, get the Desperate Housewives douche bag out of the booth. Have him take Joe Theisman with him.

5:30 – Denver driving. Again, Plummer is not prominently involved.

4:59 – WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Plummer provides us in the room with a collective laugh.

4:54 – Jason Elam kicks a field goal for Denver. Score tied at 3-3. What a game! Just kidding. This game sucks.

4:30 – I accidentally leave the channel in between commercials on women’s bowling. After apologizing to the roommate, he says we should have stayed long enough to find out if they are hot. I am now sufficiently intrigued.

After going back, one of the bowlers looks exactly like Suzy Kolber while the other one is clearly swinging from the other side of the plate. I never could figure out if Kolber was hot or not, so now I am just confused. After careful consideration, I determine the Kolber look-a-like is not hot; but, just good looking enough if one was intoxicated enough, a bad decision could be justified. Glad to resolve that issue.

2:00 – Return in time to see the two-minute warning and am happy to find the Ravens are driving.

1:00 – Steve McNair (Baltimore quarterback) does something Plummer cannot, he completes a pass. What a throw by McNair. I always thought McNair was a little overrated; but, I will say this, he is brilliant during two-minute drills. Which, I guess is all a fan can ask for. If a quarterback is going to be average for most of the game and brilliant for a small portion of it, a fan would want him to be brilliant at the two-minute mark.

1:00 – The officials waste 30-seconds of my life reviewing the previous play. I want my 30-seconds back. That review was useless.

0:30 – OK. Remember how I just said McNair was brilliant? Strike that. A horribly thrown fade pass into the end zone gets picked. I hate fade routes. I’m not sure if I have ever seen one completed to anyone but Randy Moss and Terrell Owens. Apparently, in order to complete a fade pass, a quarterback has to be throwing to a complete jackass.

THIRD QUARTER
15:00 – Denver receives the second half kick. Boy, I hope they lose.

14:40 – Plummer completes a pass. I immediately strike up a chant of M-V-P. It gets a laugh.

13:00 – Denver has to punt! Yeah!

12:50 – Excitement, kids! We just had our first ‘Ray Lewis looks likes he is completely coked out’ shot of the night. What a raving lunatic. I hope I never meet him in an alley.

12:47 – Have I mentioned this game sucks. Apparently, touchdowns are not allowed when playing in Denver. The only thing that keeps me tuned to this game is the fact I cannot wait for Plummer to make his next horrible decision.

10:30 – Incomplete, incomplete and incomplete from Plummer. Shocking.

8:00 – Baltimore punt. Absolutely nothing of interest going on here. I would talk about how moronic Joe Theismann is; but, you already knew that. No reason to point out his retarded shenanigans in this forum.

7:30 – Oh, boy! Another sideline report and yet another wasted 45 seconds of my life. This time are intrepid reporter is talking to Carmelo Anthony. I will forever hate Carmelo. Those of you who know me best all know why.

5:30 – Now I have to point out something that was said on air. Mike Trico just said this 3-3, crapfest has been a “really good game.” Somebody needs to tell Trico to shut the hell up. Without a doubt, the most moronic comment of the night. This game sucks. And to think, I was going to try to make it though the whole night without pointing out the deficiencies of the ESPN broadcast team.

2:30 – WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Jake Plummer strikes again. And by no means is that a good thing. Well, unless you are rooting for the Ravens, which I am.

2:15 – This game is awful.

1:00 – I am about to hit mute.

0:00 – End of quarter. The only reason I’m wasting two hours of my life watching this crap is with the hope Denver loses. Baltimore better freaking come through.

FOURTH QUARTER
14:00 – Baltimore picks up a couple of big first downs to start the fourth as the roommates and I reminisce about the ‘Boom, goes the dynamite’ disaster. Probably one of the most popular YouTube clips of all time. One can find it here.

12:20 – Baltimore punts and the dude shanks it. Idiot kicker. That could be a game changer.

11:00 – The ESPN praise for Plummer continues. Apparently, the trio has not seen an important Denver game in three years. Plummer has stunk it up whenever it counts. And when the Broncos do win, it usually has nothing to do with what Plummer did throughout the game.

10:30 – Plummer responds to the ESPN praise by missing a wide-open Bronco for a touchdown. Nice throw, Jake. At least you did not spike yourself.

9:30 – Dear ESPN, please remove your mouths from Plummer’s schlong. Gracias.

8:08 – Field goal try for Denver. Please miss, please miss, pleas miss, please miss… Shit. Denver leads, 6-3. I now want to punch the Baltimore punter in the face for setting the drive up.

6:45 – McNair pulls a Plummer and gets picked off. I am not happy at this moment. If the Chiefs didn’t win yesterday, I would be extremely upset. Instead, I am just moderately not amused.

5:45 – Plummer actually throws a great pass to get Denver in field goal position again. Although ESPN continues to sing his praises, I am still not impressed.

3:40 – Third down for Denver. If Plummer is going to make the horrendous mistake I am hoping for, it has to be here. Alas, Denver decides to run and gets the first down. A Baltimore win is looking about as good as my chances of becoming a doctor some day. In other words, not good. In fact, pretty close to nil.

1:55 – Plummer throws a touchdown pass, effectively ending the game. I guess the only thing happy I have to say here is at least Plummer gets to keeps his job for another week. This, of course, means another week where Plummer has a chance to cause his team to completely self-destruct.

0:30 – McNair throws another interception, his third of the game, and second within the final two minutes of a half no less, proving I am a moron for stating he is great inside the two-minute warning. Thanks, jerk!

Well, that game was so horrendously played, I think it made me sick. I think I will go throw up now. Thanks for reading!