Friday, October 13, 2006


For those who do not know, I have this secretary who has turned missing days of work into an art form. Her powers to avoid a day of work here and there is downright awe-inspiring. It's something that should be encouraged and celebrated. So, here it is, the official Donna count. Check back often for updates.

Days of work missed since June 21, 2006: 12.0

Latest "reason" for missing work: My head is spinning. The secretary is on a tear. She has missed 4.5 days of work since I last provided an update... 10 FREAKING DAYS AGO. Now, I will just knock out the latest 1.5 days because it's a lot easier to explain. She was gone yesterday and today; because, well, actually I do not think there was a reason. I guess it is easier because it was so expected. As I have said before, if football is on the road, it is a guarantee Donna will be away. An unexplainable phenomenon, I know; but, at the very least expected.

Now, as for the other three days, this is just almost too good to be true. Donna basically missed three days of work last week for... prepare yourselves... post-herpetic neuralgia shingles. This was seriously listed as a reason for her missing work. After laughing uncontrollably among others in the office, a little research was needed in order to determine if this was actually an ailment; and, if it was, is she going to die. I mean, that sounds pretty nasty.

After a little research, it is indeed a real disease. I mean, pay no attention to the fact it only happens to people over the age of 70, is rarely painful and is more of a nuisance than anything else; but, to her credit, it actually exists. To top it off, she said it was brought on by a migraine. I do not even know what that means. Points to her for creativity.

At any rate, it is an exciting time right now at The Donna Update. A new category is going to be added. Donna has added a new weapon to her repertoire. She has perfected the ability to manage to run an "office errand" at 4:00 p.m. each and every day. Never mind the fact these errands take only two minutes to complete; but, Donna has turned it into a project that takes an hour to complete so she can just go home when it is done.

It's an amazing feat. Obviously, she runs the five minute errand then heads straight home; however, for some reason, she is so stupid I guess we honestly believe it takes her an hour to complete the task. It's mad genius, really. Many props to her. So, here it is, the new Donna Update category:

Consecutive days with the 4:00 p.m. errand itch: 5

Should be fun to track, folks.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006


Since it is a Monday night and I have absolutely nothing to do, I figured I would do something productive and be a little creative. Of course, I have to incorporate watching television into this little project. So, in order to accomplish both tasks, a live blog is in order.

Generally, I have a rule about live blogs. They should only take place when terrible quarterbacks are involved. Tonight, we have two, Jake Plummer and Steve McNair. A double whammy! Let’s hope things go well.

We pick things up late in the first quarter as I had to finish watching an intriguing episode of Law and Order. A word has yet to be written; but, chances are, as one reads through this lengthy log, a person will realize I have great disdain for the Denver Broncos.

4:39 – Ravens have 3-0 lead. Me happy. ESPN comes back and points out that Jake Plummer (quarterback of the Denver Broncos) has never had a career record above .500. Imagine my surprise.

3:50 – Tony Kornheiser has Plummer on his fantasy team. I immediately consider him a fool. He also falls down a couple of pegs in my book.

2:30 – We cut to a shot of Broncos fan. He looks like a moron. Again, I am not surprised. The Broncos also follow a false start with a timeout. How come they never do this kind of stupid shit when they play the Chiefs?

2:22 – Plummer throws a perfect strike on a 20-yard fade route. Unfortunately, for Plummer, the guy was wearing the other jersey. An absolutely atrocious throw. In other words, something one would completely expect from Jake Plummer.

2:16 – We have our first Denver Broncos IN-COM-PLETE chant. Easily the worst chant in sports. Words cannot describe how much I hate it. I wish all Denver Broncos fans would spontaneously combust.

END OF FIRST – Mike Anderson, who I now like because he is no longer with the Broncos, gets lit up as the Broncos fans go wild. Unfortunately for the fans, he gained 10 yards before he was touched. Stupid fucking Broncos fans.

14:00 –
Joe Theismann mentions the Ravens are an injury away from the Kyle Boller Era. Ravens fans everywhere weep.

12:50 – After a penalty that pissed me off, Baltimore is forced to punt. Luckily, they pen Denver deep at the Broncos two yard-line. I’m thinking lots of things here; but, that Plummer is going to lead them on a 98-yard touchdown drive is not one of them.

10:00 – Unfortunately, Denver is driving. Of course, it has nothing to do with Plummer, they have been doing it on the ground. We also have our first sideline report of the night. Predictably, it was worthless.

9:55 – Thanks to a couple of lame ducks by Plummer, the drive ends. Man, I hope the Jay Cutler Experiment never begins. Unfortunately, I think Plummer’s days are numbered.

9:00 – Why is there a guy from Desperate Housewives in the booth? If anybody can explain this, I would be happy to hear from you. Man, I fucking hate ESPN.

7:45 – Sorry, I have not paid attention to the last couple of minutes because I was reading I swear to God, Baylor has the most moronic and utterly clueless fan base I have ever come across. For a school with such a good academic reputation, it amazes me Baylor fans have a collective IQ of 39. What a bunch of flipping morons.

6:30 – Seriously, get the Desperate Housewives douche bag out of the booth. Have him take Joe Theisman with him.

5:30 – Denver driving. Again, Plummer is not prominently involved.

4:59 – WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Plummer provides us in the room with a collective laugh.

4:54 – Jason Elam kicks a field goal for Denver. Score tied at 3-3. What a game! Just kidding. This game sucks.

4:30 – I accidentally leave the channel in between commercials on women’s bowling. After apologizing to the roommate, he says we should have stayed long enough to find out if they are hot. I am now sufficiently intrigued.

After going back, one of the bowlers looks exactly like Suzy Kolber while the other one is clearly swinging from the other side of the plate. I never could figure out if Kolber was hot or not, so now I am just confused. After careful consideration, I determine the Kolber look-a-like is not hot; but, just good looking enough if one was intoxicated enough, a bad decision could be justified. Glad to resolve that issue.

2:00 – Return in time to see the two-minute warning and am happy to find the Ravens are driving.

1:00 – Steve McNair (Baltimore quarterback) does something Plummer cannot, he completes a pass. What a throw by McNair. I always thought McNair was a little overrated; but, I will say this, he is brilliant during two-minute drills. Which, I guess is all a fan can ask for. If a quarterback is going to be average for most of the game and brilliant for a small portion of it, a fan would want him to be brilliant at the two-minute mark.

1:00 – The officials waste 30-seconds of my life reviewing the previous play. I want my 30-seconds back. That review was useless.

0:30 – OK. Remember how I just said McNair was brilliant? Strike that. A horribly thrown fade pass into the end zone gets picked. I hate fade routes. I’m not sure if I have ever seen one completed to anyone but Randy Moss and Terrell Owens. Apparently, in order to complete a fade pass, a quarterback has to be throwing to a complete jackass.

15:00 – Denver receives the second half kick. Boy, I hope they lose.

14:40 – Plummer completes a pass. I immediately strike up a chant of M-V-P. It gets a laugh.

13:00 – Denver has to punt! Yeah!

12:50 – Excitement, kids! We just had our first ‘Ray Lewis looks likes he is completely coked out’ shot of the night. What a raving lunatic. I hope I never meet him in an alley.

12:47 – Have I mentioned this game sucks. Apparently, touchdowns are not allowed when playing in Denver. The only thing that keeps me tuned to this game is the fact I cannot wait for Plummer to make his next horrible decision.

10:30 – Incomplete, incomplete and incomplete from Plummer. Shocking.

8:00 – Baltimore punt. Absolutely nothing of interest going on here. I would talk about how moronic Joe Theismann is; but, you already knew that. No reason to point out his retarded shenanigans in this forum.

7:30 – Oh, boy! Another sideline report and yet another wasted 45 seconds of my life. This time are intrepid reporter is talking to Carmelo Anthony. I will forever hate Carmelo. Those of you who know me best all know why.

5:30 – Now I have to point out something that was said on air. Mike Trico just said this 3-3, crapfest has been a “really good game.” Somebody needs to tell Trico to shut the hell up. Without a doubt, the most moronic comment of the night. This game sucks. And to think, I was going to try to make it though the whole night without pointing out the deficiencies of the ESPN broadcast team.

2:30 – WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Jake Plummer strikes again. And by no means is that a good thing. Well, unless you are rooting for the Ravens, which I am.

2:15 – This game is awful.

1:00 – I am about to hit mute.

0:00 – End of quarter. The only reason I’m wasting two hours of my life watching this crap is with the hope Denver loses. Baltimore better freaking come through.

14:00 – Baltimore picks up a couple of big first downs to start the fourth as the roommates and I reminisce about the ‘Boom, goes the dynamite’ disaster. Probably one of the most popular YouTube clips of all time. One can find it here.

12:20 – Baltimore punts and the dude shanks it. Idiot kicker. That could be a game changer.

11:00 – The ESPN praise for Plummer continues. Apparently, the trio has not seen an important Denver game in three years. Plummer has stunk it up whenever it counts. And when the Broncos do win, it usually has nothing to do with what Plummer did throughout the game.

10:30 – Plummer responds to the ESPN praise by missing a wide-open Bronco for a touchdown. Nice throw, Jake. At least you did not spike yourself.

9:30 – Dear ESPN, please remove your mouths from Plummer’s schlong. Gracias.

8:08 – Field goal try for Denver. Please miss, please miss, pleas miss, please miss… Shit. Denver leads, 6-3. I now want to punch the Baltimore punter in the face for setting the drive up.

6:45 – McNair pulls a Plummer and gets picked off. I am not happy at this moment. If the Chiefs didn’t win yesterday, I would be extremely upset. Instead, I am just moderately not amused.

5:45 – Plummer actually throws a great pass to get Denver in field goal position again. Although ESPN continues to sing his praises, I am still not impressed.

3:40 – Third down for Denver. If Plummer is going to make the horrendous mistake I am hoping for, it has to be here. Alas, Denver decides to run and gets the first down. A Baltimore win is looking about as good as my chances of becoming a doctor some day. In other words, not good. In fact, pretty close to nil.

1:55 – Plummer throws a touchdown pass, effectively ending the game. I guess the only thing happy I have to say here is at least Plummer gets to keeps his job for another week. This, of course, means another week where Plummer has a chance to cause his team to completely self-destruct.

0:30 – McNair throws another interception, his third of the game, and second within the final two minutes of a half no less, proving I am a moron for stating he is great inside the two-minute warning. Thanks, jerk!

Well, that game was so horrendously played, I think it made me sick. I think I will go throw up now. Thanks for reading!

Monday, October 09, 2006


Looks comfortable, doesn’t it?

Pictures like the one above make me glad I am not a football player. Of course, there are not many places in professional football for slow, white guys who have problems catching a cold, let alone a football. So, I guess it is really never an issue to begin with. At any rate, I digress.

This post is not about Antrelle Rolle’s attempt to decapitate the Kansas City Chiefs best player; however, it is about why I am glad it is Chiefs season again.


Chiefs season is the only time of year one of the teams I pull for on a regular basis actually makes it three weeks into the season without being eliminated from playoff contention.

The statement is the reason why yesterday’s win over Arizona was so darn important and makes a guy like me so damn happy. Sure, it was just a win over the Cardinals; but, a loss would have virtually ended the season with three of the Chiefs hardest games of the year looming in the next three weeks.

A loss to the Cardinals and I would have been looking ahead to the start of Royals season. And, yes, the last statement is as depressing as it sounds.

Instead, the Chiefs rallied to defeat the Cardinals and I can look forward to another week of a Kansas City game that means something.

An impressive feat considering the Chiefs have been locked into the Damon Huard Era after Trent Green got knocked into November by a cheap hit at the hands of Cincinnati in week one.

Luckily, Huard has played extremely well in relief, the Chiefs actually play defense from time to time and the NFL scheduling gods tossed the team a bone with San Francisco and Arizona in back-to-back weeks.

Now, with dates against Pittsburgh, Seattle and San Diego, looming in the future, Kansas City has a chance to do something my teams do not often do, make a run at the playoffs. With the Chiefs remaining schedule, win two of the three, the Chiefs are giving me something to do in January besides looking forward to the latest Royals debacle.

I mean, sure, chances are the Chiefs will finish around 8-8 and finish up the season as another average football team like they always do; but, for now, at least they have a chance.

And, for now, that makes me a happy sports fan. A rare feat for a guy who grew up near Kansas City.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006


For those who do not know, I have this secretary who has turned missing days of work into an art form. Her powers to avoid a day of work here and there is downright awe-inspiring. It's something that should be encouraged and celebrated. So, here it is, the official Donna count. Check back often for updates.

Days of work missed since June 21, 2006: 7.5

Latest "reason" for missing work: Donna has a headache. Yeah, really, you just read that. Honestly, who in the world misses work for a headache?! You absolutely have to be kidding me! I was basically on my sneezing death bed for the last week and I still managed to be an effective contributer to society. Come strong or don't come at all, lady! Oh yeah, I forgot who I was talking about, she never comes. And, when she does come to work, she's usually completely and utterly usless.

At least some good has come out of this, it has forced me to post on the blog, which I have somewhat neglected over the past week. My apologies.

Oh, and check for another Donna update on Friday, Baylor has an away football game, which pretty much guarantees our secretary's latest demise due to some unknown illness. Who knows, maybe she will get creative and say some tsetse fly got to her, at least that would be amusing.

Until next time kids.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006


Terrell Owens is a dumbass. Terrell Owens' publicist is a dumbass squared.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006


I am sick of sneezing. I have been sneezing non-stop for the past 72 hours. This has been a most unpleasant experience.

I have tried numerous remedies. Cold pills. Allergy pills. Nasal drops. You name it. I have tried it. Right now, I am a walking, talking pharmacy. If you have a prescription to be filled, one can bet I am the man to fill it.

Unfortunately for you, my pills will likely not be the cure to what ails you. For, I am still sneezing. In fact, I have sneezed twice since I started typing this little memo.

I will now go saw off my nose. I figure the problems it will cause will be far less annoying then what I am currently going through at the moment.


We have hit the trifecta! Mention of three separate nude/porn shops, a trailer park and a cop-assisted suicide! That's right, kids, it's TRAILER TRASH TIME!

Of course, one can easily determine this did not happen in Waco. If it did, the cops never would have tried to reason with the lady. Here in Waco, the PO-lice would have just dropped about 20 caps in her crazy ass and then gone out for beers.

Thursday, September 21, 2006


Anybody interested in going to Six Flags? Cutting to the front of the line is on me!