Friday, June 30, 2006

THE WEATHER IN CRESTED BUTTE, COLORADO...

Is currently 68 degrees and sunny, which means I am getting the heck out of Waco for a few days to enjoy some normal weather.

Alas, this will take me away from the wonderful sights and sounds of Waco, Texas; which, in the last week, have included spectacular mullets, arm wrestling matches on pool tables and my complete dominance in the competitive sports of two-on-two basketball and shuffleboard.

Exciting tales indeed; unfortunately, I have not had the time to write about them since I have actually been forced to do some work this week. Stupid man.

I will just cut down the stories by saying I have many rules in life; and, two of them are do not arm wrestle others at a pool table in the middle of a bar and do not be clean in the front with a party in the back. Needless to say, I saw several instances where these rules were broken. I would have taken pictures; however, the pure shock and awe of my surroundings probably would have caused my camera to break.

As for Crested Butte, it's off to meet the brother, the brother's wife and the mom for a little rest and relaxation. I would blog from there as well; but, tales of me sitting on a chair with a fishing line for seven straight days would probably be a bit on the mundane side. If the brother gets a little to tipsy and falls in the river, I will make sure to let everyone know.

So, until next time, try not to get drunk, drive, watch porn, begin masturbating and crash; because, it happens. Stay safe, people...

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

TACO CABANA REALLY WANTS TO MAKE SURE THEY HAVE THE ORDER CORRECT

Just for historic record, here is a posting of the regular conversations I have had with the drive-thru operator at Taco Cabana, one of Waco's finest late-night eateries (the two-chicken soft taco combo is quite choice). So, if one has ever wondered why it takes 10-15 minutes to get through each car at the Waco Taco Cabana right off of I-35, I think I have pin-pointed the reason.

Operator: Welcome to Taco Combo, may I take your order?
Me: Hello. I would like the two, chicken soft taco combo with a diet coke.
Operator: Would you like salsa with that?
Me: No.
Operator: So, we have a two-chicken soft taco combo (dramatic pause)?
Me. Yes.
Operator: With a diet coke?
Me: Yes.
Operator: Would you like guacamole with that?
Me: No.
Operator: So, no salsa and no guacamole?
Me: That is correct.
Operator: So, I have a two-chicken soft taco combo with a diet coke?
Me: Yes.
Operator: And no salsa or guacamole?
Me: Yes.
Operator: Ok, a two-chicken soft taco combo, with no guacamole or salsa and a diet coke...
Me: Yes.
Operator: Hold on... Ok, will that be cash or charge?
Me: Cash
Operator: Ok, so I have a two-chicken soft taco combo with a diet coke... I will have your total at the window.

Now that we are through with that, five quick observations/questions:
1. The drive-thru operator routinely repeats my order a whopping four or five times. Hands down, a mind-boggling record in the service industry.

2. I have determined the charge for the meal is the same whether I pay cash or charge. So, why ask?

3. In my clever attempt at a rouse, if I offer to pay by check, will work at Taco Cabana come to a grinding halt due to the stunning nature of my decision?

4. Is guacamole really that fun to say?

5. The next person who goes through this whole process and then changes their entire order after the final question will be my hero.

THE KANSAS CITY ROYALS 40-MAN ROSTER NEEDS TO BE TRIMMED A BIT

Yes. I am a Kansas City Royals fan. Got a problem with that?

Needless to say, despite winning 8-of-10 and pretty much owning the National League, I believe the dismissal of a few players can improve the Royals chances of reaching the ultimate goal of 63 wins in a season.

If I was consulted by the Royals' brass as to whom I would immediately cut from the team, sending the castaways to some Mexican winter league, I would submit the following names for nomination:

Jeremy Affeldt
Denny Bautista
Chris Booker
Ambiorix Burgos
Juan Cedeno
Elmer Dessens
Brandon Duckworth
Scott Elarton
Jimmy Gobble
Zack Greinke
Runelvys Hernandez
Bobby Keppel
Mike MacDougal
Bobby Madritsch
Joe Nelson
Leo Nunez
Joel Peralta
Mark Redman
Andrew Sisco
Steve Stemle
Todd Wellemeyer
Mike Wood
Paul Bako
John Buck
Paul Phillips
Angel Berroa
Andres Blanco
Esteban German
Ruben Gotay
Tony Graffanino
Mark Grudzielanek
Justin Huber
Doug Mientkiewicz
Donnie Murphy
Angel Sanchez
Mark Teahen
Emil Brown
Shane Costa
David DeJesus
Joey Gathright
Aaron Guiel
Reggie Sanders
Matt Stairs
Mike Sweeney

Yes, this is the entire team; and, yes, being a Royals fan sucks as much as one would think it would.

Please, somebody put me out of my misery.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

TWO REASONS I'M GLAD OREGON STATE WON THE COLLEGE WORLD SERIES

1. Stuart Scott went to North Carolina
2. Roy Williams is North Carolina's men's basketball coach.

To number one: Hope you enjoyed the loss you no-talent hack.
To number two: That's what you get for leaving Kansas (oh, and a men's basketball title... selfish prick).

Monday, June 26, 2006

WACO CAN BE A LEARNING EXPERIENCE

Sorry for the short post; but, for some strange reason, actual work had to be done today. That being said, here is what I learned this weekend in Waco, Texas:

1. Apparently, a person can call somebody a "social retard;" however, it is only meant as a sincere compliment.

2. Back dimples do not define whether or not a woman is attractive (a much heated debate); however, having them does not hurt. Although, keep in mind, lack of dimples does not diminish from one's attractiveness.

3. Do not stand close to bartenders opening new bottles of champagne; otherwise, a cork might smack a person in the chest.

4. Re-enactment of the Argentina goal in its victory over Mexico is not only fun, it is also highly encouraged.

5. Do not get in the way of a person and their ash tray.

6. Apparently, three girls who go to Hooters without any guys in tow do not always do so in order to apply for jobs. Instead, they are apparently there because the food, service and ambiance suits them quite nice.

7. Do not drink the listed "fire sale" beer at Cricket's. It's on fire sale for a reason, most likely because it tastes bad, expired three years ago and is starting to ferment into some sort of thick, wheat-tasting substance.

8. Vince Vaughn is much skinnier in Swingers than he is in Wedding Crashers; however, he has not gained nearly the amount of weight as has Jon Favreau.

9. Without the United States in the World Cup (an event that happens once every four years, people!), the local ABC affiliate will apparently go back to its regularly scheduled programs, which happen to be a pair of infomercials and a local church service.

I'd have a 10th item to list; but, I didn't really learn 10 things this weekend. Making something up would just be cheating everyone.

Friday, June 23, 2006

A HAIKU TRIBUTE TO THE ROYALS-PIRATES SERIES

Because a recap of the series between the two worst teams in baseball deserves only 17 syllables...

Royals and Pirates
Box scores filled with great blunders
Because both teams suck

WHEN INTENTIONAL WALKS GO WRONG



Even the Kansas City Royals couldn't screw this up. Much thanks to deadspin.com and to whomever posted this on youtube.com, it made me giggle like a little school girl.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

THE OFFICIAL DONNA COUNT - UPDATE

So I have this secretary who has turned missing days of work into an art form. Her powers to avoid a day of work here and there is downright awe-inspiring. It's something that should be encouraged and celebrated. So, here it is, the official Donna count. Check back often for updates.

Days of work missed since June 21, 2006: 2

Latest "reason" for missing work: Vacation

MY WORLD CUP FEVER HAS DIMINISHED EXTENSIVELY


That sucked.

Some country named Ghana defeated the United States, 2-1, today, ending my dream of America becoming a dominating force in something besides blowing shit up.

I really don't know what to say about the two-week performance, other than the fact the three guys who were supposed to take the USA to the next level (Landon Donovan, Brian McBride and DeMarcus Beasley) clearly were not ready to grab hold of the international stage.

I could describe each time one of these three made me want to fire my remote into the television, kick a hole in the wall or take up drinking and smoking as a 24-hour job; however, by doing so would cause my head to explode. I need my head in order to direct my ire at the true culprit of this international disaster, head coach Bruce Arena.

As for the spineless, egotistical, arrogant prick who leads our national team, let's just say some of his tactics were questionable. Clearly, his decisions not to use his final substitution in the Italy game and holding out Eddie Johnson until the 60th minute of today's game will likely go down as the rope and the tree of his national coaching career.

Also, his apparent halftime speech of "maybe we can get a make-up call" might go down as one of the most pathetic speeches in sport history. In fact, it's just downright pansy in nature.

I once had the pleasure of attending every halftime speech of a Division I college basketball team that went 2-26 on the season; which, needless to say, left me with some pretty uninspiring moments. However, I never heard anything that dab and dreary.

It's about the equivalent of a coach giving a rousing speech only to end it with something like "Disregard everything I said; because, let's be honest here, we are going to need some help."

If I were the coach in Arena's situation, I would have extended my middle finger and dog cussed every person ever involved in the sport of soccer. It would have been a rousing, profanity laced tirade that basically would have ended with, "nobody but ourselves can [expletive] save us now, so let's go beat the [expletive] [expletive] out of those [expletive] for 45 minutes."

As for the ref who made the call against the United States, what the hell does everyone expect? The world hates, loathes and despises the Unites States. When FIFA has to provide extra security detail and black-mark the team bus, I think it’s a sign some things might not go our way when foreign officials are involved.

And, finally, as for the sport of soccer itself... I hate those mother [expletive] flopping foreigners. A complete disgrace to the game. However, as a friend from Kansas pointed out, at least we now know a simple spray to the back or an application of ice seems to have downright mystical healing effects. Quite simply, it’s a discovery that will be sure to revolutionize world health.

So we got that going for us, which is nice.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

MY HEAD HURTS...

Not so much from all the beer I drank last night; but, rather from the sound of Robert's loud arguments ringing in my head. Thanks for nothing, friend.

THE WACO KARMA GODS DID NOT TAKE KINDLY TO THE RULES OF YOUR CONTEST, MARK CUBAN

As I start my day on Tuesday, I was excited to read a piece in the Dallas Morning News about the fact Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks and strong supporter of Mickey Mouse, was giving away 500 pairs of tickets to game seven of the NBA Finals.

Excited about the prospect of winning said tickets in order that I could use them to possibly impress some girl, to have them in order to have the rare opportunity of attending a finals game; or, most likely, hawk them in order to turn a nice profit, I immediately found myself at www.mavs.com in order to register for the contest.


Well, my registration was rejected. Why, because a person had to live within 75 miles of the American Airlines Center. Waco, Texas, is located exactly 98 miles from the American Airlines Center.

75 miles?!?!?! Seems like an odd number to me. Obviously, Mr. Cuban did not want people who lived in Waco to attend the most historic game in franchise history. I think it's pretty clear if I won I would have easily been able to make the long trek up to Dallas. The rules of the contest were obviously a deliberate attempt to shut out the central Texas town from attending.


Well, Mr. Cuban, your plan backfired, didn't it. Sure you could blame the fact Marquis Daniels had to play significant minutes, that Dirk Nowitzki played like David Hasslehoff or the fact Dwyane Wade basically made your team look like a bunch of little leaguers; however, I think we all know the game six loss was the Waco Karma God's way of sending you a message.


So, the next time you run a contest for free tickets, make sure you make everyone within a 100-mile radius eligible. Otherwise, this might happen to you again.

Oh, and one final thought. With the loss and Dallas' inability to extend the series, I am forced to start following this junk again. Needless to say, I am not too happy about it.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

HERE'S TO YOU...

As I was driving into work today in the wonderful city of Waco, I had the pleasure of driving past not one, not two; but, THREE girls who were smoking as they were walking. Now, I have always liked those Bud Light commercials one would hear on the radio with the "here's to you" theme. Like, the "Here's to you, Mr. Foam Finger Maker!" commercial. Always thought they were funny, clever, etc. Well, here's to you Miss Walking Smoker Girl:

"Here's to you, Miss Walking Smoker Girl! While most of us just get from point A to B without nurturing one of our vices, you blaze from point to point while puffing on a blazing wrapper filled with nicotine goodness. While leaving a trail of ashes behind you, you delight those around with the musky smell of tar and nicotine, twinkling our senses as we dodge the fumes left in your wake. Without you Miss Walking Smoker Girl, the cracks of sidewalks would be nothing but a place for where the weeds can grow. But, with you, they now house the butts that once contained the craving you so desired. So, raise your glasses high, cause this Bud is for you, Miss Walking Smoker Girl!"

I think the whole commercial would be much more effective with the back-up singers saying things like "blazing wrapper of nicotine goodness" and "only where the weeds grow" like in the original commercials; but, one gets the idea.

As you can tell, I'm not a fan of the walking smoker. If you happen to be a walking smoker, well, my apologies, I really will not hold it against you. After all, the next one is on me!

On a side note, I think it's pretty clear why I didn't get that job at the advertising agency I applied at a few years back. Jerks!

THE BIRTH OF THE WACO CHRONICLES

A preface to this post: Most posts on this blog probably will not be this long. But, since it's the first, I feel as though I need to cover the basics:

So, I have lived in Waco, Texas, for the past two-and-a-half years. As a single, 30-year old professional who has seen his fair share over the past 30 months in this central Texas town, I have decided it's time to start writing about my adventures in the big city. Actually, probably a better way to describe it would be I have decided to create a public forum to share my views about what I see in this town as my friends and I tackle the social scene.

Now, the breaking point for when I decided to start this little adventure was last Friday. As a group of us were out on the town, I noticed two guys (who must have been at least 23) wearing headbands. That's right, I said headbands. I have no idea whether it was as part of some sort of joke; but, after watching the two for awhile it looked more as if the two were making some sort of fashion decision. Now, far be it from me to criticize what people wear; but, wearing headbands was an error that was most egregious in nature. They might as well have just rolled up their jeans, locked the doors and start blaring Huey Lewis and the News over the loud-speakers just to complete the effect. These fools needed to be called out for the morons they were. And, if I had a camera and a blog, well, I could have done so. Well, I just bought a camera; and, as one can tell, I now have a blog.


Now, the blog isn't going to be just about calling out those foolish enough to wear headbands in public, it's mostly going to be about my experiences in this city. For instance, if I had started this blog the day I arrived, the following, entertaining stories/quotes could have been chronicled:

1. "I have noticed you out before and I have always wanted to talk with you. Now, before we start, I have to ask you one question: Do you like chicks who dig guns." - Girl to me at local establishment. A comment I attributed as some sort of joke before her 20-minute conversation to a friend of mine about guns.

2. Super Bowl XXXIX - Those who were there only wish there was an on-line account of the stupidity that took place.

3. The friend who went out on a couple of dates with a girl who would regularly wear an AC/DC t-shirt, cut-off jeans and would be incapable of walking from point A to point B without smoking a cigarette in between.

4. The hilarity that is student interns.

5. Waco stalkers/stalkees - A comprehensive look into the lives of those who go well-beyond the call of duty when trying to impress the opposite sex and those who have to deal with them.

At any rate, the list goes on and on; and, as one might imagine, I feel as though I have some interesting stories and insight to share. Of course, the blog will not be limited to just the confines of my experiences; but, just some general thoughts on sports (it's the industry I work in after all), society and other general crud.

Regardless of what I write on here, though, I can assure the primary reason I am doing so is that I am bored. Freakishly bored. It's the summer so work is slow; and, to be honest, there isn't a whole hell of a lot to do in this town. But, you will probably learn that as we go along.

Then again, there's a 99 percent chance any reader of this forum could give a hoot what I have to say. However, if one is trying to determining whether or not what I have to say will be funny/entertaining, please refer to this post and this post. After reading them, one will probably think one of two things: hey, this guy might have something to say; or, please, somebody give me the last 15 minutes back and I hope this clown never writes again.

Enjoy.