KARAOKE KING

Yep. That's me. Sporting sunglasses. Singing a song.

What would cause me to do this sort of ridiculous thing? A karaoke contest of course.

The night, which was never supposed to happen in the first place since it was a Wednesday, started out with a few drinks at 'Party on the Patio.' As a side note, the theme 'Party on the Patio' used by a local radio station to promote a happy hour is an extremely loose one. This was no party. I am not even sure it was a get-together.

Of course, if the definition of party is two dudes wearing Sturgis jackets, two moderately amusing, yet somewhat annoying disc jockeys, four of their friends and three schmucks (me and two friends) who were duped into going while hanging out in ridiculously hot weather; well then, it was a freaking party.

Did I mention the Sturgis guys had two goats in the back of their pick-up truck? This is no lie and I wish I could be making this stuff up.

Anyway, since talking about two goats in the back of a pick-up truck is an entirely different post altogether, back to the nature of this one, my karaoke dominance.

After ditching "Lameness on the Patio," a friend and I headed to George's for some food and maybe a couple of Big O's. While at George's, a girl we know happened to be having a birthday party. Seeing as she was a friend and I had no idea it was her birthday, I had to think quick. The answer came in the form of making a birthday card out of a napkin.

The birthday card was a huge success. Written in red ink, with drawings of balloons that ended up looking like sperm and some lame joke about her beer consumption, the card even had a gift contained inside: two free tickets, given to us at ‘Lameness,’ to a concert at Billy Bob’s in Dallas.

Excited about her gift, we were invited to sit with the group and have some birthday cake. The cake was delicious and always tastes better when washed down with a nice glass of Bud Light.

At any rate, while crashing this girl’s birthday party, I received a text message which would lead me to establish myself as Waco’s karaoke king. The text message simply said “Karaoke at Treffs tonight.”

I needed to hear no more. I was sold. Myself, a few beers, a stage and a microphone is a winning combination. I do not have many talents in life; but, acting like an ass while belting out some song on stage for the amusement of others is one of them.

Now, I had no idea there was going to be a contest. I just signed up to sing a little Hootie and the Blowfish and go my way until the next song I would destroy. Well, after belting out a little Hold My Hand, the dude in charge told me I should participate in the contest that was taking place at midnight. I, of course, agreed.

A quick note on the contest, contestants were able to pick their own songs; however, we could only choose from a group of about 20 songs on the board. All of the groups started with the letter ‘A’ and all were hard rock groups. One of which was Anthrax. I would have been dead if I was stuck singing an Anthrax song.

Contestants were to be judged on three pieces of criteria, one of which was singing talent while the other two had to do with the contestant’s willingness to make a complete ass out of himself.

With 15-20 of us entered, as the first few contestants go on stage I begin thinking to myself, ‘I am going to win this sucker.’ I thought this because, although most of the contestants sang well, none of them were even coming close to matching the stage stupidity I was willing to do.

Finally, my moment had arrived. There was a little anxiety as I walked onto the stage because the contestant before me had picked the song I was going to sing. As I glanced around the board trying to find a song I was even remotely familiar with, I settled on Aerosmith’s Sweet Emotion.

The choice was a good one as it had a long introduction before the actual singing to commence. I took this moment to have my back to the crowd as I slid on my sunglasses since I had them in my cargo pocket from starting the night so early.

Once the song started, the other contestants knew it. They were toast. The moment I turned around sporting sunglasses, singing a song, there was no doubt I was going to win. As the movie Gladiator had told me to do, I had ‘won the crowd.’

I have no idea how I sang, if I got the words right or if I even finished. All I know is I was strutting some incredibly awkward dance moves, living the life and trying my best not to spike myself.

Afterwards, a standing ovation. Or, at least my friends were standing. But, there was no doubt I was advancing to the finals. People were giving me high fives and random girls were coming up to me telling me how impressed they were. I felt like Neil Diamond.

Now, I have no idea what happened in the finals. I think I was forced to sing Boys of Summer; but, I am not really sure. All I know is I was the last one to sing and the three finalists split the 180 dollars in Treff’s gift certificates.

I take this as a win because I am pretty confident the only reason the DJ declared it a tie was because the other two contestants were his friends and he knew if he left it up to a crowd vote I would have dominated. I like to think that anyway.

Regardless, 60 dollars in Treff’s gift certificates was a nice way to end the evening. The winnings will allow me to defend my title at the going rate of “free.”

So, friends, next Wednesday stop on by Treff’s and have a couple of drinks on me.

I’ll be there. Sporting sunglasses. Singing a song.