Ah, Missouri. Doing "less with more," for years now. For those who do not know, growing up in Lawrence, Kan., it is pretty much impossible not to hate Missouri. Well, I still hate Missouri. With a passion. In fact, if I had to rank the top five teams/schools I hate at any level in any sport, the list would pretty much look like this:
1. Denver Broncos
2. Missouri Tigers
3. Chicago White Sox
4. New York Yankees
5. Oakland Raiders
Congratulations, Missouri! The only higher-education institution to make the list. Job well done. At any rate, here is the Missouri outlook:
MISSOURI TIGERS
Offense: Do they still have Brad Smith? If not, they may struggle a little.
Defense: Guess here is that they have some talent; but, the coaching staff will probably screw it up.
Special Teams: Does anybody really care about 'special' teams? Didn't think so.
Coaching Staff: Ah, the coaching staff. Screwing up talent for four years now. Does anybody have any idea how talented Missouri has been over the past few years? There is absolutely no excuse for the school not to have won a North Division title at least once over the past five years. Instead, they are too busy screwing up a talent such as Brad Smith, trying to make him a pocket passer instead of the natural run-pass option quarterback that he is. This usually ends up resulting in 21-7 losses to inferior Kansas teams year after year; and, here is to thinking the trend will continue.
The Only Stat That Matters: Baylor has won more national championships (2) in the past three years than Missouri has won Big 12 titles (1) since the inception of the conference in 1996. Missouri won the first softball title; and, softball became a Big 12 sport a year before all others sports did. So, in other words, Missouri won the very first Big 12 title and has not won one since. Pathetic.
Overall Analysis: They have been underachieving for 10 years now. Why is 2006 going to be any different?
As for a Missouri story, I do not really have any good ones; I have avoided the city like the plague. I have only been there a couple of times; and, it has only been for matters of work. However, that is not to say I do not have a good story that is at least Columbia, Mo., related.
It's time to go back to sophomore year at Drake University. Her name was Ashley. She was from Columbia, Mo. At any rate, I cannot remember how I met this girl, just that I liked her from the start. Well, eventually, I mustered the courage to ask her out. Luckily, at least I thought so at the time, she said yes. The first date was a disaster. Not in the sense that we did not have a good time; but, rather, other circumstances kept arising to make the date difficult. It was one of those dates where we had a good time despite all the circumstances which made it difficult to pull off. I'll save everyone the story; but, it should have been a sign of things to come.
Flash forward a couple of weeks. I really like this girl; I want to impress her, all of that good stuff. So, I invite her to our fraternity formal in Chicago (that's right, I used to be a frat boy). She accepts and we set off for a weekend in the Windy City.
Well, she had some friends in the fraternity who she knew long before she ever knew me. These clowns had invited a couple of girls on a whim to the formal; and, unfortunately for them, their dates ditched them once they arrived in Chicago. Naturally, Ashley felt bad for them and wanted to know if it was alright by me if she hung out with them for the evening. I agree with her motives and we decide to go our separate ways until the end of the night. We had fun up until that point; so, we might as well do our best to make sure everyone has a good time.
Needless to say, going our separate ways at a formal meant getting as plowed as possible before our return to our rooms. My friends get Ashley extremely drunk while I hang out with some other people in a different room and do the same. Eventually, we cross paths late in the evening and decide to head back to our room.
As we were both so incoherently drunk, we just pass out in bed. A few hours pass and I wake up around 8:00 a.m. and immediately begin to panic. Why? Well, I was soaking wet. Immediately, I think I was so drunk the night before I have wet the bed, causing irreparable damage to my reputation and our relationship. So, I spring into action.
I rush into the bathroom and start thinking about scenarios to correct the situation. Then, it hits me. I am completely dry in front and my boxers do not seem to be wet at all. At first, a sigh of relief; and, then, the sudden realization the girl sitting next to me has just pissed herself and wet the entire bed and myself.
Unbelievable. I go over to wake Ashley up; and, almost instantaneously, she begins sobbing uncontrollably. I am as nice as possible about the whole situation; and, I even send her flowers the next day with the promise I would not tell anyone about her “accident.”
However, things would never really be the same. We went out a couple of times after the incident; but, I never get over the fact I was always sitting down next to somebody who had pissed all over me and she could never get over the fact she got so incoherently drunk one night she pissed all over somebody she barely knew.
Things kind of fizzled out and we went our separate ways. I guess, in the end, Ashley was kind of like everything from Columbia, Mo: they just piss all of their opportunities right down their legs.
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