PLEASE REMOVE THE FIGURE SKATING MONTAGE FROM THE SHOW

I apologize before anybody reads this post. It contains some profanity. It contains anger. It contains a raging desire to lay a smack down on the writers and producers of the CBS show "Numbers." Below is an open to letter to those who treated me like a retard on Friday night.

To the 'Numbers' Cast and Staff:

Do I look like a freaking idiot? Well, do I? Jackasses.

I had the fortunate misfortune of watching your ridiculous show last Friday night. You treated me like a second grade reading level dipstick. I will never forgive you for this. Ever. I feel stupid enough traversing the streets of Waco each day. Now I have to watch this crap and get 10 percent dumber with each passing minute.

If you morons are too dumb to remember, the show revolved around the plot of whether or not the victim of the show was a murder victim or had commited suicide. Since the title of the show is Numbers; clearly, numbers were going to be involved in determining the outcome of the investigation. We all know this going in. I mean, really, we really do.

Well, in your infinite wisdom, you had one of our heroes use a figure skating analogy to discuss percentages as part of an equation. And a bat analogy. As well as one that involved blueprints. Oh, really, my DNA is like a house blueprint. No shit. Is your entire target audience just getting ready to enter fourth-grade Earth Science class?

Do I look like an effing kindergartner? I need an analogy for percentages?! You have to be kidding me. Let me give you an analogy. Assholes.

That's like me going up to a bar to order a Jager Bomb and spewing the following, mind-numbing drivel:

"You know, since I need to talk down to you because I feel as if you are too stupid to figure it out, I am buying you a Jager Bomb. It's an explosive combination of Red Bull and Jagermeister. Kind of like when my left jab is followed by a right upper-cut of an executive of the CBS show 'Numbers.' It's an explosive combination of speed and power that pleases everyone involved, including the executive, who is clearly too stupid to realize what the hell is going on. The end result is dizziness, some stumbles as well as a strong chance somebody will be unconscious in the end."

I'd be kicked in the groin for saying something like that. Probably punched in the face, too. Definitely would not be talking to girls for the rest of the evening. Hell, I probably would not be allowed to talk at all. I mean, Jager Bombs have obvious implications, don't they. I don't need to dumb it down for anyone. Everyone knows what they are getting into.

Well, I now know what I am getting into with your show. The chance to feel like I just flunked a second-grade spelling test again. Thanks a lot, Ms. Williams. I respect the intelligence of others. You clowns act as if I just started walking and I don't know how to read.

Lucky for you, I have done the percentages as well. I have crunched the numbers. And, much like the victims of your show, I suspect everyone involved in your show is committing suicide. Career suicide.

That goes for you, too, Mr. Northern Exposure. You looked like you needed to take a numero two the entire time. It made you look like a confused pansy. Jack Bauer would chew you up and spit you out. I want my FBI agents to be tough, not some guy who goes crying to his father when something is wrong.

Oh, and that firefight at the end of the show. The one where you looked like you were waving a wet noodle around and using it as an Uzi. Well, the citizens of the fake town you live in want to thank you. Thank you for the 10-11 innocent bystanders you took out while trying to stop one bank robber. Nice shooting, Tex.

You fire off 500 rounds and only connected once; and, you hit him in the leg. By accident. I am pretty sure I saw a ricochet. Way to go, John Wayne. You no-talent ass clown. Where the hell was my baseball player "swing and miss" analogy on that one? Or, would I be too stupid to get it? Probably, you guys were just too dumb to think of it. Probably too busy trying to think of a way to work a triple axel into next week's show.

In closing, I'd like to say this to all involved in the making of 'Numbers."

Screw you.

Good talk.

Sincerely,
Never watching the show again.