BOGUS BIG 12 CONFERENCE PREVIEW: NO. 4 NORTH - KANSAS

Rock Chalk, people! Time to preview the team I grew up watching, the Kansas Jayhawks. The good ol' University of Kansas. A person can count on one hand the number of football and basketball games I missed growing up due to things other than school activities, events, etc. I bled crimson and blue growing up; I refused to miss a game for anything in the world.

So much so, I did not even go to school there. Unfortunately, the football team was never up to par with the hoops team; however, things seem to be turning around for the Jayhawks as far as football goes. If it were not for suspensions and injuries leading up to the season, there is a chance Kansas could have been playing for a Big 12 North title this season. Instead, they will likely be fighting for a bowl spot throughout the season. Anyway, here is the preview for the Fighting Manginos:

KANSAS JAYHAWKS
Offense: Should be a lot better for the Jayhawks this season. A freshman under center; however, could make things difficult at the start.

Defense: One of the nation's best last season; however, graduation and suspensions could mean a significant drop on the side of the ball. Despite this, the group is still extremely talented and has plenty of potential.

Special Teams: Seriously, I do not care about special teams. Just make the damn field goal.

Coaching Staff: Kansas has a really fat head coach. The previous sentence was the understatement of the year. Those in charge should create a new word to describe Mangino. Maybe fatacular, fatastic, something, anything. Fat just does not do him justice. It's just too simplistic of a word to describe his waist to height ratio. He is a death on the sidelines waiting to happen.

Most Memorable Kansas football game growing up: Kansas 28, No. 2 Oklahoma 11. Oct. 27, 1984. An unbelievable game. Kansas sucked that season. Somehow, they managed to destroy the Sooners, the number two team in the country at the time. The game was memorable for three reasons: 1) it was played in a monsoon at times, which led to the Oklahoma punter actually kicking the ball and having it go backwards over his head. 2) Troy Aikman was the quarterback for Oklahoma that day. I'm pretty sure if Aikman ranked his performance in every game he ever played, I am pretty sure this one would rank dead last. He sucked. 3) I think our entire family was almost killed by one of the goal posts that were ripped down after the game.

Percent chance Kansas defeats Missouri this year: 100.

As for a Lawrence story, as one can imagine, there are many. Not one story can define my experiences in Lawrence, a great town which everybody should visit. Honestly, have you ever heard of anybody going to Lawrence who did not love the town? I didn't think so.

Since no one story can define my feelings for Lawrence, I might as well trot out one of my most embarrassing moments in the town. As was the case with most summers while I was at Drake University, I would head back to Lawrence several times each summer to visit family and friends. Naturally, this would mean I would stay at home with my mom when I came back, an important fact everyone needs to remember as I continue.

Well, I would time my visits to coincide with high school friends who would be visiting home as well. This would usually mean a few nights of drunken debauchery with the crew down on Mass. Street. So, Andrew (my best friend growing up), back from St. Louis University, and I head out for another typical Friday night.

Seeing as we were both young, single and had nothing to lose, after we would get a few in us, we usually had no problem going up and talking to random girls. On this night, we had brought our 'A' game. The first two girls we meet, we immediately strike a good conversation, probably throw some complete bull shit at them and are making them laugh on a regular basis. Good times are being had all around.

As the night goes on, it is pretty clear we can get these girls to come home with us for a night of "bad decisions;" or, even better, go home with them (since we did not have our own place or anything). In fact, around the end of the evening, one of the girls asks, "so, what are we all going to do after bar close?" I think, almost simultaneously, Andrew and I blurt out "why don't we go back to your place?"

Unfortunately, we were not going to be able to due to other roommates who had gone to bed earlier. The girls did not want to disturb them. Whatever. Andrew and I were not going to give up on this easily. Luckily, we had a back-up plan. My mother was heading to Colorado that night; therefore, the house I was staying in was going to be empty. In fact, there was some high-quality wine waiting at home for everyone to partake in as well.

So, we invite them back to my house. They accept. Andrew and I are happy. All that jazz. We pull into the driveway as they followed in their own car and we all get out to go in the house through the garage door. I punch in the door and the garage door opens:

Oh, shit.

It was almost like slow motion. There she was, standing there, loading the car. My mother. She had not left yet. Unbelievable. I think if somebody had been there to take a picture, the look on mine, my mom's, Andrew's and the girls’ faces would have been the five most priceless pictures of all time.

Needless to say, for a variety of reasons, my mom was pissed. First and foremost because we were going to try to shack up with a couple of girls in her own home. What can I say? We were dumb and stupid. Obviously, the girls bailed out as fast as possible, never to be heard from again. For all I know, the night probably traumatized them for the rest of the college careers. Maybe they never thought about a one-night stand again after the episode. We were probably doing them a favor.

After the girls left, which was downright embarrassing by the way, my mother lit into us. She basically started dog-cussing Andrew and I. The funniest was her yelling at Andrew, a life-long friend who I have known since I was five. My mother never yelled at my friends; but, here she was, giving Andrew a lashing. Probably because she knew he was the one behind the whole idea. It was a fantastic verbal assault, one I know Andrew has never forgotten.

I guess, in the end, we all learned a valuable lesson: grow up and get out of mom’s house so you can do whatever you want to. After all, life is full of lessons.