MY TAKE ON TERRELL OWENS

Terrell Owens is a dumbass. Terrell Owens' publicist is a dumbass squared.

SNEEZING SUCKS

I am sick of sneezing. I have been sneezing non-stop for the past 72 hours. This has been a most unpleasant experience.

I have tried numerous remedies. Cold pills. Allergy pills. Nasal drops. You name it. I have tried it. Right now, I am a walking, talking pharmacy. If you have a prescription to be filled, one can bet I am the man to fill it.

Unfortunately for you, my pills will likely not be the cure to what ails you. For, I am still sneezing. In fact, I have sneezed twice since I started typing this little memo.

I will now go saw off my nose. I figure the problems it will cause will be far less annoying then what I am currently going through at the moment.

THIS, SUPRISINGLY, DID NOT HAPPEN IN WACO

We have hit the trifecta! Mention of three separate nude/porn shops, a trailer park and a cop-assisted suicide! That's right, kids, it's TRAILER TRASH TIME!

Of course, one can easily determine this did not happen in Waco. If it did, the cops never would have tried to reason with the lady. Here in Waco, the PO-lice would have just dropped about 20 caps in her crazy ass and then gone out for beers.

MMMMM... I LOVE ME A TASTY COCKROACH!

Anybody interested in going to Six Flags? Cutting to the front of the line is on me!

THE COUGHLIN AWARDS

In honor of my main man, Tom Coughlin, The Waco Chronicles will start a weekly awards post throughout the season in honor of the man who may have spent the worthless timeout in the history of sport during the first week of the NFL season.

Each week, The Waco Chronicles will honor the most bone-headed moves in college and professional football in hopes the people in charge realize they are paying people millions each year that may not even be able to successfully make correct change at the local McDonald's.

So, congratulations to this week's winners, Ron Prince of Kansas State and Bobby Ross of Army. May you never be forgiven for the atrocities you leveled on your teams this week.

Ron Prince wins the award this week for pulling something off that I have never seen done. Kansas State kicked off to Marshall at the start of the first and second half; and, to top it off, the Wildcats were forced to go into a 40 mph wind at the start of the fourth quarter. Yep. Marshall won the toss and deferred; and, for some unknown reason, Prince and Co. decided to defend the south goal instead of receiving the ball. Whatever.

Fortunately for Prince, Kansas State was playing Marshall, which is completely inept on the offensive side of the ball. Despite getting an extra possession due to Prince's complete lack of common sense, the Thundering Herd walked away with a loss.

As for Ross, he is the true winner of this dubious award. With Army at the Texas A&M three-yard line with 13 seconds left and facing a third-down, trailing by four and no time outs, Army ran the ball. Huh? What? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!?!

Instead of assuring Army of two chances to win the game by passing the ball on third and running OR passing the ball on fourth down, Ross put all his eggs in one basket and ran the ball on third down. The result, Texas A&M stopped the run and ran the clock out as Army could not get another play off in time. Nice move. Well done.

Instead of pulling off the big upset, Army allowed Texas A&M fans to do whatever it is they do while celebrating a big football victory. (Insert sleeping with goat or sheep joke here).

On a side note: While Ross and Prince go down as The Waco Chronicles inaugural winners, honorable mention to the officials of Oklahoma-Oregon. What an absolutely atrocious call. You guys would have been the hands-down winners this week; however, you screwed Oklahoma (which is a shining positive) and everybody already knows officials are nothing but incompetent jackasses. Congratulations on avoiding this negative distinction.

THE OFFICIAL DONNA COUNT - UPDATE

For those who do not know, I have this secretary who has turned missing days of work into an art form. Her powers to avoid a day of work here and there is downright awe-inspiring. It's something that should be encouraged and celebrated. So, here it is, the official Donna count. Check back often for updates.

Days of work missed since June 21, 2006: 7

Latest "reason" for missing work: Donna is on vacation. A normal scenario until one discovers where Donna is going on vacation. Our fearless secretary is going to Graceland for the weekend. Yes. Nothing more really needs to be said.

Bravo, Donna, bravo.

THE SLC IS NOT A PLACE FOR YOU TO GIGGLE LIKE A LITTLE GIRL

I mean, I get it. You are a freshman, you are excited about the possibility of meeting new people and you are just generally enthralled with the whole college experience. So, I will just go ahead and chalk it up as a general freshman mistake.

But, as a friend; well, maybe as an advisor, let me just toss this little nugget your way. Nobody; and, I mean NOBODY, likes it when you and your three friends come into the SLC and do nothing but giggle and gossip while you just stand next to some machine and pretend to be "working out."

Hey. I understand. I was in high school once as well. Back then, it might have been cool for girls to just stand around and "get noticed." But, let me tell you, since you are now at a level of higher education, standing around gossiping and giggling does not make you look cool, it just makes you look like a freaking, lazy bimbo.

It's also extremely annoying. I mean, people are trying to get things accomplished in the SLC. You and your friends, on the other hand, are just taking up space and turning the volume up a notch with your incessant giggling and maddening laughter. It’s really quite annoying.

The only thing that needs to be “turned up a notch” is your “workout.” Your attempt at one, five-pound curl at the biceps machine before you let your friend have a crack at it is in no way, shape or form a “workout.” In fact, it more or less points to the fact that you are just there to take a look around at others. When you sit back and think about it, you just come across as kind of creepy.

I mean, people notice you; but, by no means, in a good way.

No need to get mad at me, I am just trying to spread a little truth your way. I want you to get ahead of the game as you start your first semester. Sure, you want to check out the other freshman at the SLC; you know, take a look at some of your options. But, you need to realize the only thing guys in college notice when you do nothing but giggle and talk at the SLC is that you are an airhead.

Sorry; but, it's just the truth. If you don't trust me, just ask any of the guys or other girls around you, they will be the ones using the machines for their, you know, actual benefit.

As always, like, good talk.

LESSONS NOT LEARNED FROM TONYA HARDING

Here's how not to win the starting job.

YEAH, SO THOSE 40 SECONDS, NOT IMPORTANT

Football coaches are fucking idiots. I know this because I had a BAC level three times the legal limit yesterday and I could have given the New York Giants a better chance at winning their game against the Indianapolis Colts than the douche bag who currently makes millions coaching the team, Tom Coughlin.

To put it simply Giants fans, the dip-shit in charge cost your team 40 seconds and a possible victory. That’s 40 seconds Eli Manning and company could have used when they marched to midfield at the end of the game; however, were forced to return to the locker room due to the fact Coughlin has the clock management skills of a crack whore.

Pretty important considering the Giants play only 16 games this season. Might come back to hurt when the league starts passing out wild card berths.

At any rate, I do not know what is more disturbing, Coughlin’s complete incompetence or the fact nobody seems to care he cost his team 40 freaking seconds! The announcers, one of whom is in the NFL Hall of Fame, did not mention it; and, surprisingly, there was not a single mention of it online anywhere as I looked around today.

Well, I cannot stand for it. Look, I could care less about the New York Giants and I could even care less about the Indianapolis Colts; however, this clock management atrocity has to stop. I was furious last night. It’s not just the Giants game last night, it happens in almost every game. What’s worse, nobody seems to care. Am I missing something here? Is everybody coaching and covering the NFL a complete moron? Wait, please do not answer that.

Here is what played out last night as the Colts were driving their way down the field, looking to close out the win as the Giants had only one time out remaining:

1st and 10 at NYG 23 (3:01) D.Rhodes right end to NYG 17 for 6 yards (G.Wilson).
Timeout #3 by NYG at 02:43.
2nd and 4 at NYG 17 (2:43) D.Rhodes left tackle to NYG 15 for 2 yards (M.Strahan, A.Pierce).
Two-Minute Warning
3rd and 2 at NYG 15 (2:00) J.Addai right tackle to NYG 15 for no gain (M.Strahan, S.Madison).
Timeout #1 by IND at 01:16.
4th and 2 at NYG 15 (1:16) A.Vinatieri 32 yard field goal is GOOD, Center-J.Snow, Holder-H.Smith.

So let me get this straight, there is a 40-second play clock and the morons in charge of the Giants decided to call their last timeout 43 seconds before the two-minute warning. Fucking brilliant.

Clearly, with 2:43 left on the clock, the Colts would have been forced to run their second down play before the two minute warning. So, if the Giants did not call a timeout it would have been third and two out of the two-minute warning with the Giants having one timeout available.

Instead, by calling the time-out with 2:43 on the clock, the Colts were placed in a dream scenario. With a 40-second play clock the Colts would only have to run one play (the same amount of plays they would have run if the Giants did not take a time out) and then get to burn 40 more seconds off the clock on third down out of the two-minute warning due to the fact Coughlin threw his final time out away.

The resulting scenario was the field goal kick at 1:16 to give the Colts the five-point lead. If the Giants had decided to save their timeout for, I don’t know, a useful moment, New York could have called the time-out immediately after the third down play (around 1:56) as the clock would have stopped again on the change of possession (probably around 1:50).

Instead, New York got the ball back with only 1:12 on the clock, a difference of at least 30 and possibly 35 seconds, pretty important considering Eli Manning was able to get the team to midfield in 60 seconds.

So, job well done, Coughlin, job well done. Fortunately for you, I appear to be the only doofus out there that seems to care about your complete lack of math skills and fucking logic.

Hopefully, with this meager post, at least some will come to learn of your incompetent game-managing ways.

THE IDIOT LINE FORMS TO MY LEFT

Every once in awhile, my little Honda Civic needs some gasoline. Usually, I will fill the car up on my way home from work at a large truck stop at my exit off of I-35 in Hewitt. As is the case with most gas stations these days, I am usually forced to pre-pay for the gas I wish to purchase in order to make my meager car go.

Yesterday was no different. Most of the time, I will just slide the credit card in the nifty little slot and be on my way. However, yesterday, I was a bit thirsty as well so I made the trek into the station to purchase a soda as well. I head to the cooler and change things up by reaching for the Diet Coke instead of my usual stand-by of Diet Mountain Dew.

As I head to the register, I notice something extremely daunting, a line of about 15 people waiting for the cash register. Immediately, I think to myself waiting for 15 people in line to purchase a $1 bottle of soda is not worth it. Right before I turn around to put away the drink and head back to my car, I notice something odd. To the right of this line, there seems to be an open register line with NOBODY in it.

I stand there, perplexed. After a little shock, I go to make my move at the register on the right. As I approach slowly, I figure it would be rude if I just ran up, paid for my drink and exit. So, I offer the 15 people (I counted) in the other line if they wanted to go first. To my surprise, nobody accepts my kind offer and nobody gets behind me in line.

So, I pay for my drink and gas and split; but, not before I ask the clerk one simple question.

ME: Is that the idiot line to my left?
CLERK: Yeah, I guess so.

AND THE AWARD FOR MOST RIDICULOUS E-MAIL OF THE DAY GOES TO...

My good friend, Andrew, who inexplicably sent me this nugget earlier today. Congratulations, Andrew, your prize is a punch in the face and a kick in the groin next time I see you.

-----Original Message-----
From: Andrew
Sent: Tuesday, September 05, 2006 11:59 AM
To: Steve
Subject: RE: KRIKEE!

Do you see any way the sacramento chickball wnba team loses tomorrow night?

They dominate at home, this is game 4 of the finals. The last 11 playoff games they have won at home. The last 5 at home against Detroit they have blown them out.

Oh, and here was my actual reply. I feel as if it was more than justified.

-----Original Message-----
From: Michael
Sent: Tuesday, September 05, 2006 12:00 PM
To: Steve
Subject: RE: KRIKEE!

Don't ever come to me with that kind of shit again...